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=Hello Students!=

=........................ Your corrected paragraph in blue (below) is due by Friday 10PM and no later!................... =

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**You wrote your #1 Problem/Solution essay in class.** **Below is the first paragraph you wrote with correction marks. Please type in your corrections in blue. Make sure your corrections (below) are in blue or you may not receive a grade for your 2nd draft! ** ======

"" means: there is an error with the underlined word(s) and the word(s) need to be changed. " __words__ " means: words together that are underlined are hard to understand (the meaning) and need to be rewritten so that the meaning is clear " X" means: there is a mistake *Please note: There is a problem with the Underline feature in this Wikispace. When I (Margo) go in and 'edit' and 'save', sometimes Wikispaces underlines the whole sentence(s). Instead I will indicate a problem with meaning by bold italics instead. For example: I walked the dog //**for near nextdoor** ("//for near nextdoor" does not make sense so it is in bold italics).

=Student # 678= EveryX oneX now X __smoking soX muchX. The big problem_____ when the teenage___ _smoking. They are smoking just __they want their friends___ see the__.__ __ your corrections:Everyone is smoking too much now. Also, smoking is big problem for teenagers. In addition they don't know how bad is smoking. __ __Also, they don't care forX__ their healthy. SO X,X their family give___ them money and don't ask them where they__ spend the money. TheirX are a lot of your corrections:Also,they don't care about thier health because thier families give them the money and don't ask them where they spent the money. perants ___don't care forX__ __their chaeldrnX.Also, When the perants__ smoking in the house.XTheir chaeldrnX will see them and they will smok like their your corrections:There are a lot of perants don't care about thier children. Also, when the perants are smoking in the house, thier children will see them and they will smoke like them. perantsX. When you ask one of the teenage __why__ you smok__?X he or she will say I smok_ because my perants smokingX. The perants can teach their__ __ your corrections:When you ask anyone of the teenager why you smoke they will say we smoke because our perants are smokers. The perants can teach thier children in a good way. __ __chaeldrnX t__o a good way__.The three__ commonly proposed solutions to this teenage smoking problem ___perantsX ask their son__ _about wherX they spend_ your corrections: There are three commonly proposed solutions to this teenage smoking problem perants should ask thier son about where they spent the money. the money,

=Student # 456= __Smokers are dengerous on the community__.X __They could effect normal (use //non-smokers// instead) people. In fact, there are many teen smokers onX AllX over the world.__

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__ your corrections: Smoking is a bad habit in all societies in the world. These days, there is a group of smokers called "teen smokers". In my opinion, teen smokers are more dangerous than other smokers. They could effect teen non-smokers. __====== __People could stop this epidemic___ if they work __togatherX. I recomend theseX (use //the following//) three solution to corectX this problem__ give more education___, enforce__ __ your corrections:I recommend the following three solutions to prevent this problem: provide them with more education, change the rules about smoking in each community, and impose a penalty for teen smokers. __ __the law, and punish theX teen smokerX.__ __ your corrections: ____ and impose a penalty for teen smokers. __ __Teen smokers are in_____ bad education, they are thinking smoke is a good habit.__ ___Actually smoking is a bad habit and they areX don't nowX about__ __ your corrections:This group of smokers has received a bad education. They couldn't control themselves. Sometimes, they make a wrong decision. They don't ask for help. __ __that_____. There are thousands of people__ _die because of smoke__. They should get more education about smoke___. IX could give them education about your corrections:They don't realize that thousands of smokers die because of smoking for several years.They should get more education about smoking. I prefer giving them a special education. the dangerX that causedX fromX smoking. Something elseX, people could enforce the law. In lawX, teens cold buy segarsX onX twenty one_ ___ age. IX__ __ your corrections: People in each community could ask to change the rules. Teenagers can buy cigarettes at twenty one years old. My suggestion is to change the age from twenty one years old to twenty five years old. This way, it would help to reduce the rate of teenager smokers. __ __suggestX theyX could change the age from twenty one to twenty five. Although there are some stores__ sale segarsX to teensX andX that's really badX. your corrections: __ My suggestion is change the age from twenty one years old to twenty five years old. This way, it would help to reduce the rate of teenager smokers. __ The parents are responsible aboutX their children. They __have toX__ punish the children smokers. From time to time, If the smokers Xnot listen to your corrections: Parents are responsible for their children. They could punishment their child smoker. From time to time, If the smoker doesn't listen to them they could spank him many times. them, they __have toX__ spankeX them. your corrections:If the smoker doesn't listen to them they could spank him many times. =Student #278= Do you know that 440,000 Amercan deathX___ each your because__ __smoking?!X This is a bigX problem. ESPishalyX for teenageX. Today wuX__ __see__ __your corrections : __ Do you know that 440,000 Amercan die each year because of smoking? This is a huge problem especially for teenager. Today we see that __many teengeX are smoking. TheyX don't care about thierX health,X they just need to be__ a menX. __NowX in the United StateX__ there areX __20% of Amercan__ __ your corrections: many teenagers are smoking. Teenageers don't care about their health, they just want to become a man. These day 20% of teenagers in the U.S.A __ __teens are smokeingX.__ That is a high number__.__ Also __thatX meanX__ __we will see____ in a sevralX years later your corrections: are smoking. That is a high number. Because we will see they are smoking c ontinuous in sevarl years later. I see improvement! First, you need to work on singular and plural nouns and accuracy in your writing. Writing is different than speaking in that when we speak we exagerate to show emotion. We can also see the whole picture with our eyes when someone is speaking. We can't do this in writing. You wrote, " Teenagers don't care about their health. This is an absolutely false statement. When you write "Teenagers" you automatically are referring to all people all over the world between the ages of 13 to 18. You are stating that all people between the ages of 13 to 18 do not pay any attention whatsoever to their health. This is clearly wrong. However, if you were talking to a normal parent who has teenagers living at home, you might hear them SAY such a blanket statement. In writing essays, it is important to 'hedge your bet' and write more accurately (*see below).

Also you wrote, "Teenagers don't care about their health; (needs a semicolon here) they just want to become a man." This sentence sounds a bit crazy. It makes no sense. I was a teenager and I didn't want to become a man and how does this tie into caring for your health? How are these two statements related in any way? When we write, our words become real, but they can not carry the job of creating understanding unless you use the best words possible and enough words and sentences so that the meaning is clear.

Here is a rewrite as a native speaker might write: Did you know that over 440,000 Americans die each year because of smoking? And that over 20% of these smokers are teenagers? Today, we see that far too many teenagers are smoking. It is widely known that most teens think they will live forever. However, many of these teens will die too early because of smoking. Most teenagers probably don't think often enough about the dangerous effects that cigarette smoking can have on their bodies. Clearly, they are putting themselves in a very dangerous position each time they pick up a cigarette.

*Hedgeing your bets-->Using words like 'might', 'most', 'probably' is "hedging your bet". When a writer 'hedges a bet', they are writing more accurately. You can't say accurately, for example; "All women wear make-up." That is not accurate. A writer can write with some accuracy, however, if they hedge their bet by changing a few words: "It is widely known, that most women in America wear make-up."

Student # 901
Teenage smoking is such a big problem in this modern generation.X(consider a transition word here) __Is smoking popular in teenager's life now__? The answer is,X yes. your corrections:Teenage smoking is such a big problem in this modern world. Is smoking usual in teenagers' life now? The answer is "yes". Smoking is not only popular in Xteenager's lifeX (..popular in teen culture...), but _also causedX serious results,X anX report shows that 440,000 American deathX each year your corrections:Smoking is popular in teen's culture, and it causes serious results easily. There is a report shows that 440,000 American death each year. because of smoking. FurtherX moreX, ___o__f every 100,000 15 year old smokers tobacco will prematurely kill at least 20,000__. These results remind__ __ your corrections: __ More information, ??(I forgot= =)every 100,000 15years old smokers tobacco will prematurely kill at least 20,000 people. __us to think about the disadvantages of smoking, and how to solve the problems__ __to improve ourX life. The three most common problems are:__ __ your corrections: __ This result reminds us to think about the disadvantages of smoking, and the solutions to solve the problems. It will make our life become better. The three most common problems are: __cancer, second-hand smoke,__ ___school life.__ __ your corrections: __ cancer, second-hand smoke, effects in school life. __As everybodyX knows, smoking a lotX can cause cancer__ comes to you__, and sometimes comes with death(..which can result in death). A 2004 study by theX CPC's__ __ your corrections: __ As people know, smoking too much can cause cancer comes to you, which can result in death. A 2004 study by CPC's_ __National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health found that cigarette smoke contains over 4,800 harmful chemicals, 69 of which are__ __ your corrections: __ National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health found that cigarette smoke contains over 4,800 harmful chemicals, 69 of which are_ __known to cause cancer.__ And how to dicrease the number of cancer people__? The only way is quit snoke or smoke less. But itX is hard to do your corrections: And how to decrease the number of people who suffering from cancer? The only way quit smoke or smoke less. Unfortunately, it is hard to do. Your corrections have improved your essay. However, you should be careful to organize your statistics in a more logical order. Here is reworded and more organized version of your essay--> Teenage smoking has become a serious problem today and the likelyhood is great that he will continute smoking. Today, in most environments, teens will find other teens smoking. It will be a part of his usual environment. With this popularity, cigarette smoking has created a serious health risk.Teenages (ages 13-18, which is only a span of 5 years) constitute at least 20% of all smokers who span a much wider range in age. In 2004 the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health found that cigarette smoke contains over 4,800 harmful chemicals, 69 of which are known to be carcinogenic. The chief risks are throat and lung cancer, heart disease and death. Over 440,00 American deaths each year are directly caused by or linked to cigarette smoking and cigarette smoking will prematurely kill at least 20,000 teens each year. These statistics underscore the seriousness of smoking at any age and particularly for the teenager. =Student # 328= Have you ever seen the public advertisements _to decrease smokers? Many public advsX are morningX __t__o quit smoking by using serious your corrections: Have you ever seen the public advertisements to decrease smokers? They are worning to smokers by using serious expressions. scarinhX expressed. Because of these efforts, a numbr of people tiiesX to quit smoking. However, the number of smokers who are women or your corrections: Because of these efforts, a number of people tries to quit smoking. However, the number of smokers who are women or teenagers are increasing. __justX teenagers__ inX increasing. The most serious problem is teenage smoking. If someone startedX to smoke before _becomingX an adult, he or she your corrections:The most serious problem is teenage smoking. Teen smokers can have more chances to become a cancer patient than adult smokers. could have more chances to become a cancer patient then someone who started to smoke after becoming an adult. your corrections: Your corrections have improved your writing! Here is some further editing (rewording):*You may have seen large public advertisements that try to entice smokers to turn away from smoking. These huge warnings look ominous and because of these efforts the number of smokers has decreased. However, the number of teens who smoke has increased. Teenage smoking is the most serious. Teens who smoke have a much higher risk of getting cancer. =Student # 592= Have you ever thought that your teenage son/dauthers are smoking aX cigaretteX? According to theX statsticX, everyX each day 3,000 teenagers your corrections: Have you ever thought that your teenage son/dauthers are smoking? According to statistic, each day 3,000 teenagers start smoking their first cigarette, and 20 percent of teenagerX in the USA smoke cigaretteX. AlsoX the number of __that__ is increasing nowdayX. your corrections: start smoking their first cigarette, and 2 0 percents of them in the USA smoke. The number who are smoking is increasing theseday Teenage smoking is more serious thatX adult smoking. your corrections: Teenage smoking is more serious than adult smoking. Your corrections have improved your writing! Here is some further editing (rewording): *If you are a parent, you might be surprised to learn your son or daughter is smoking. According to the latest statistics, each day over 3,000 teenagers will start smoking their first cigarette. It might shock you to find out that 20% of all smokers in the United States are teenagers! And the number of teen smokers is increasing each day.

=Student #348= TeenageXhas become a dangerous issue in our society. It is a problem,X because there are many people died and have casserX __in their body__ your corrections:teenagers has become a dangerrous issue in our society. It is a problem because there are many pepole died and have a cancer in their body. and mostX of them are teenage smokers. The __most three__ important neanonX,X are losing health, __money__ and __inerjy__ your corrections:and many of them are teenage smokers. The three most Many peoplX have lastX their health justX beause of smoking. __There are__ many of them X died,X because they __had__ aX canserX inside their body. your corrections: UnfourmetlyX, canserX has b__ecame exist to m__any smokers. Smoking.X related diseases causeX an extimateX 440,000 american deathX each year. your corrections: This is only in America __what about in the world?__ __ your corrections: __ __Smoking castX the smokers aloX of money. It castX the United States over $150 billianX annually in heath care castX, SoX eavenX thaghX smoking__ __ your corrections: __ __is dendressX for__ ___heathX__ it casts maney__. ThereforX, we__ lase out money for nothing__. For example, your corrections: =Student #877= Almost everyone knows X smoking is bad **//things//** for your body. Smoking related diseases cause an extimated 440,000 American deathX each your corrections: Everyone knows that smoking does dangerous for their health.Stadies extimated 440,000 American death each year by smoking. year. Today teenagers are smoking because they are very depressed or nervous. The tabacco in cigaretteX //**also**// contains necotine. The (This) drug your corrections: But it is difficult for them to give up smoking because cigarette have a drug such as necotine. This drug makes smoking addictive. X thatX makes bad XX your body. NecotineX raises youX risk of health attack and strockX. Tar and carbon monoxide cause serious healthingX problemX your corrections: Smoking makes people sick and destroys your health. However, the effects of smoking on teenagers include both short-term and long-term impact on the body's various systems. such as cancer, enphysemieX, health disease, and chronic coughX. your corrections: smoking can cause such as cancer, heart disease and pneumonia. The three most X solutionX of teenage smoking problemX are to quit smoking, X treament chew gum and do exercise. your corrections: The serious problem of teenager smoking has several solution such as to quit smoking, prescription of gum and do exercise. XFirst solution,X to quit smoking is important for your body.X Because when yoX quit smoking you can relieve your brain and your thinking your corrections:first solution Make a list or chart and label it as your Quit Smoking.Set mini-goals for yourself throughout the week. List the benefits your body and health are also enjoying as you break the habit. (Just a note; this doesn't sound like your 'voice') becameX not depressed or nervous **//with another person//**. When youX quit smoking youX have a chance Xdon'tX feelX sickV andX have a good heart. your corrections: Speak with your family and friends. Let them know you are quitting smoking, and ask for their support. You’d be surprised how big of a difference having a little encouragement and support can make.

Much much improved rewriting! You wrote more infomation so that one sentence leads nicely into the next sentence (especially at the beginning). Good for you!

I notice you left out important nous or verbs a few times. Every sentence or independant clause will need that noun AND verb. Not having the noun or the verb is considered a serious mistake. For a while, you will need to go back and double check and make sure you have that noun AND verb. If you have a word such as 'does' or 'likes' or 'enjoys', you'll need the object noun too.

You wrote--> " Studies estimated 440,000 Americans (noun) __**death**__ (noun) each year by smoking." Should be-->Studies estimated (that) 440,000 Americans (noun) __**die**__ (verb) each year... You wrote-->Everyone knows (see 'hedging your bet' in the Problems in Writing page-left column) that smoking __**does**__ dangerous (needs an object noun here!) for their health. Should be--> It is common knowledge that smoking **__is__** dangerous for their health. OR ..that smoking __**does**__ (verb which needs an object noun) dangerous __**things**__ (here is the object noun) to your body. You wrote-->Smoking can cause such as cancer... Should be-->Smoking can cause //__such__ **(needs a noun)** __as__// cancer.... Smoking can cause such (things or sickness) as cancer... You wrote-->...several solution such as __**to quit**__ (verb) smoking... Should be-->several solution**s** such as __**quitting**__ (needs a gerund noun) smoking

=Student #433= NowadaysX, more and more teenagerX are crazyX inX smokeX. According to scientistX research: this problmeX is seraisX expeciallyX in America. your corrections:﻿For now more and more teenagers are keen on smoking. According to scientist's research: The teens smoking has become a serious problem in America. ThereX areX about 20% X AmericaX teens smoke and each day 3000 teenagers amokeX their first cigarettee. **//There are about 20% America teens//** your corrections:About 20% teens smoker in America. Each day 3000 teenagers are smoking their first cigarettee. your corrections:About 20% teens smoker in America. Each day 3000 teenagers are smoking their first cigarettee. your corrections:The three most important solutions are: education, exercise and ﻿encouraging. TheX teenagers who smoke too many cigarettee forX each day are theX didermentalX to theiXr lung functionX. This your corrections:Teenagers who smoke too many cigaretees in each day are detrimental to their lung. makes teensX smoker alwaysX feel difficult to breath.X And leads to lung disease. your corrections:This makes teens smokers feel difficult to breathe. And leads to lung disease. Nowadays, more and more teenager are crazy in smoke. According to scientist research: this problme is serais expecially in America. your corrections:serious There are about 20% America teens smoke and each day 3000 teenagers amoke their first cigarettee. There are about 20% America teens smokes and each day 3000 teenagers smoke their first cigareetee. your corrections:There are about 20% America teenagers smoke every day and 3000 teenagers smoke their first cigarettee. There are several solutions about teens smoking. The three most important your corrections:The most three important Problems are : health, addiction, waste money. your corrections:health, addiction, wasting money The first solution is health. The teenagers who smoke too many cigarettee for each day are the didermental to their lung function. This your corrections:The first important promblem is related to your health.The teenagers who smoke too many cigarettees for each day are the detrimental to their lung function. Your corrections have improved your writing! However, why did you write the same sentence twice? I'm a lttle confused about this "About 20% teens smoker in America. Each day 3000 teenagers are smoking their first cigarette." Here is some further editing (rewording): *Today research is informing us that teenage smoking in America has become an ever more serious problem. Each day over 3,000 teenagers are smoking their first cigarette. Did you know that over 20% of smokers in America are teenagers? It is well known that teens who smoke are far more likely to develop serious problems with emphasema, which will likely develop into deadly lung cancer later in life. =Student #198= //**Have you been smoking since your teenage**//? Some people have this habit and they can't quit. When they feel unconforterble X have some your corrections: Nowadays, teenage smoking has become one of the social problems that governments are trying to solve. stress, //**watch TV and go to restroom**//. **//Even X they just stay at home and don't do anything.// //In the school, they hard to study without smoking.//** your corrections:Many teenagers have this habit ,and they often said that they can't quit it because of pressure. //**Maybe they'll force some students who don't smoking.**// Smoking can be a problem for their body even X they are younger people. And it can your corrections:In other words, teenage is the time that people become rebellious easily, and there are a lot of incentive make them to try new things. increastX some cancer to happen (Your writing sounds confused because it is not clear if you are describing the problem or writing about solutions. Until you are skilled in Prob/Solution writing, you should stick to first describing the problem and then in the second paragraph describe your solutions. **//Some schools have punishment for smoking sudents//**. **//Smoking isn't common in schools.//** The serious your corrections: Therefore, smoking become a new way to vent their feeling. problme of teenage smoking has several solutions such as **//you can't forcus to study without smoking. affect healthy and get punishment.//** your corrections:There have three serious problems of teenage smoking that can't focus to study without smoking, affect health and get punishment. Your corrections have improved your writing. Make sure you first describe the bad effects of your problem in the first paragraph and leave the solution in the next paragraph(s).Please see me about your paragraph (above). Please refer to "corrections" with this second draft.
 * //smokes and each day 3000 teenagers smoke their first cigareetee.//** There are several solutions about teens smoking. **//The three most important//**
 * //ProblemsX are :X X health, Xaddiction, wasteX moneyX//**.

**Student #812** __Teenage__ smoking is on the raise the world over. We now see __many s__mokers giving each other __rewards__ in socical __aspect__ such as __conse__ your corrections:Teenage smoking is on the raise the world over.We now see so many smokers giving each other rewards in socical facter such as __trvains, companionships, and other common social contacts.__ In the United States, there are extimated 300 teens starting __smoking__ daily your corrections:conversations,companionships,and other common social contacts.In the United States,there are extimated 3000 teens starting smoke daily Usually when __theens__ begin to smoke_ change _ __behavio__r, they __almost always have general disregard for personal__ habit__.__ your corrections:Ususlly when teens begin to smoke they change their behaviour and almost have general disregard for their personal habits. __What__'s __worse___ _ __directly to__ your corrections:What's worse is directly __bring__ school grade fall and concentration is lost. So how should we prevent __the teenage__r smoking? This is a big problem waiting for us to further resol__ved__ __.__ your corrections:lead to school grade fall and concentration is lost.So how should we prevent teenage smoking? This is a big problem waiting for us to further resolve. The first solution is r__ecording to some ways of science to reseach it has__ proven the fact that nicotine has the ability to supress feelings, your corrections:The first solution is through a serial ways of scientific analysis and understand why teenage smoking increased,it has proven the fact that nicotine has the ability to supress feelings. suppress appetite for food, __they always used as stimulation__. __After sex, In general speaking__ they __recken__ that this is a good way to relax their your corrections:suppress appetite for food,is used as stimulation after sex.In general, they think that this is a good way to relax their troubles and feelings of insecurities. Actually, nicotine contains a __serial of material of cancer entrance into drugs.__ In order to reduce __the study__ your corrections:troubles and feelings of insecurities.Actually,nicotine is considered the number one entrance drug into other substance abuse problems.In order to relieve pressure of study, __pressure.__ some __S__tudents between 13-17 ages who __addicatie in__ cigarettes. __It's easy to caused by negative effects,__ even... your corrections:some students between 13-17 ages who addicted in cigarettes,so easily lead to many negative affects. Please see me about your paragraph (above). Please refer to "corrections" with this second draft.